Dust

I think that there is something very sad about an empty bookshelf.

The journey of a mind's life can be traced through the spines of books.

The well cracked spine of old favourites. The nearly new but now dusty installments of an adolescent phase. A fat doorstep of a classic with the faded post-it note still stuck on page 20. Forgotten fancies and simple time-fillers sat alongside memorised poems and passages, and margins filled with a hunger to understand.

Now the shelf stands exposed, an inch of thick dust at the back. And an old stray sock.

Checklists

I must have written about half a dozen lists in the past couple of days since I have had the time to think properly about the practicalities of actually leaving the country for six months on Monday. I have even managed to tick a few things off.

Money:
After a sleepless night panicking about how to arrange my money I now have that sorted.

I was worried because I had heard that traveller's cheques are next to useless outside of large towns and cities, because I didn't want to carry six months' worth of cash on me, and because I suddendly worried that I don't have a credit card and would I be able to make payments with my card?

As it happens my card should work as long as I inform the bank that I will be using it abroad (otherwise they might think a fraud is being committed), and I am taking one month's worth of cash ($1/5/10 dollar bills - anything larger is to big to change), and the rest in traveller's cheques that I will change when travelling between stations.

Arrival

I have booked a quite nice hotel for my two nights in Quito.

I decided that I have too much else to think about. With having to register my visa at the Direccion General de Extranjeria and having my induction at the Jatun Sacha office, and what with still not being overly confident with my Spanish, I wanted to make sure that I am somewhere reliable in a safe area.

Hotel Quito is four stars, and at £48 for two night's is expensive by Ecuadorian standards, but I am volunteering, not backpacking, and the reassurance their competance has given me has been worth double that already.

They have arranged for a taxi to pick me up from the airport (one less worry), and have said (in good English) that although check in is not until 2pm I can safely leave my bag with the porter when I arrive at 9am, leaving me free to go to register my visa.

When I booked the room on Expedia, I also booked tickets to the Jacutinga National Ballet for my second night in Quito (when all administrative worries have passed, I hope). The dance is a mixture of classical and indigenous styles, apparently, and it will be a true luxury before heading to work.

Languages

My Spanish is rubbish. It is shameful. Even now that I have finished work there have been too many distractions to sitting down and studying. I have been listening to my linguaphone, but keep stopping at the same point. I will try harder, although this last week is filled up with tasks.

I will be taking my linguaphone with me for on the plane, in Quito, and when I get a chance on the bases, and I will be taking grammar books and dictionaries as well. But I think that if I manage to get to the first station safely I will certainly pick it up very quickly. A person who likes to natter as much as me will be forced to learn in no time. And then in any case, it may do me some good to have to think before I speak a little.

Equipment

Have:

• Sleeping bag
• Head torch and hand held torch that doubles as a radio and phone charger
• A great pair of walking boots that fit well, boot treatment cream, and knee length gators
• Wellies
• Water bottle and water bladder
• Binoculars (that I don'tknow how to use)
• Camera

Need:

• A discreet/ invisible zip money belt
• Moquito head net, or a mosquito net for the head
• Waterproof camera case
• Spare batteries
• Ziplock bags
• Pocket knife
• Travel pillow

Health/ hygene:

Have:

• Malaria tablets
• Ginko - for altitude sickness
• Some high DEET insect repellent, but not enough. DEET frightens me, it is so caustic/ toxic. Apparently it dissolves synthetic fabrics, destroys the quality of cotton, and has killed at least on camera. Surely a mosquito bite can't be as bad as what this will do to my skin?
• Cortisone, antibacterial cream, antiseptic wipes, antiseptic cream
• Ibuprofen, antihistamines, oral rehydration powders, immodium
• One bar of Kendal Mint Cake
• Washbag
• Scissors and tweezers

Need:

• More DEET
• Biodegradable soap, shampoo, deoderant, detergent, toothpaste
• Tampons (can't find my moon cup, so the yoghurt weaving stops here)
• Sun screen
• Chocolate and energy bars
• bandages/ gauze
• Safety pins
• Permethrin-containing insect repellent for clothes and sleeping bag
• Iodine water purification tablets
• Chocolate with a high cocoa content (for the altitude sickness, of course)

Clothing

Have:

• 2 x really good fast drying and hard wearing work trousers
• 1 x nice trousers for the ballet and evenings
• A few short and long sleeves t-shirts (light colours, to detract mosquitos, cotton, for the sweat and DEET)
• Warm pyjamas (jogging bottoms and t-shirt)
• Short and long socks
• 2 x long sleeved shirts
• Swimming costume
• 2 x pairs of heels (you never know)

Need:

• Sun/ rain hat
• Strappy sandals
• More socks?
• Cotton underwear
• Fleece/ warm top
• More long sleeved shirts - to ruin while working
• White cotton long sleeved t-shirts - several

Personal

• Notebooks
• Books
• Address and date books
• Playing cards
• Photos

To Do:

• Write out malaria tablet schedule in my diary - I am skipping a few weeks when I am in places that are low/no risk, because the tablets were so expensive, and very chemical.
• To start taking ginko one day before departure
• Put the possessions I have accumulated over the past seven and a half years in the flat into storage (a spare room)
• Learn Spanish
• Clean camera memory and upload photos as needed
• Copy itinerary and important documents, visa and flight details to leave in Britain
• Confirm flight and ballet booking
• Phone bank to tell them I will be using my card overseas
• Get a photocopy of my passport and visa documentation to carry with my at all times in case of spot checks while in Ecuador
• Print and copy all emails, information and confirmations from Jatun Sacha

Have I missed anything?

Exits, followed by bear

It was my last day at work on Friday. It was alright.

In some ways it was like many other days, much like spinning plates. Desperately running around trying to make sure things are finished in time, knowing that there isn't enough time and something is bound to be missed. But there were also some small closures, a couple of jobs well done, and some really sweet goodbyes from some of the ladies and gentlemen that have become a large feature of my job, even if some of them still can't get my name right.

I was still frantically typing my 'out of office' message when staff members started shuffling in for leaving drinks. It was nice that people showed up, and were interested in what I am doing. All friendly faces that have been a real presence in my life over the past years. I went through the 'Ecuador', 'Six months', 'Conservation work', 'Well, a lot of digging, I imagine', 'No, I haven't had time to get excited yet', and 'Oh, I'm sure it will fly by' spiel about a dozen times, and could feel myself getting less and less demonstrative each time. It had been such a physically and mentally exhausting week that I was just so tired of performing, tired of saying goodbye.

Nevertheless, I had wanted to say goodbye, and many kind and encouraging words were spoken. I was given some fantasically useful presents, as well - sleeping bag and socks, head torch and kendal mint cake, and a bite extracting device. I had been mulling over what I might say if called to speak at this point, and I think that it is fortunate that I had a moment of uncharacteristic coyness. My thoughts of that building, that company, and the people are so varied and loaded with meaning that I could have overflowed with grief, or bitterness, or gratitude depending on the direction of the wind.

By five the crowd had died down, ready to move on to someone else's leaving drinks. I was already tipsy, having worked during lunch, and was relieved to have the attention shift away. Then there were more drinks downstairs, and then four of us went on to a bar opening, and later there was some crazy dancing to northern soul music - flinging ourselves around with abandon and twirling 'till we couldn't see straight. What joy!

In the morning I discovered that I had ruined my lovely (relatively) new shoes. I loved those shoes - they were beautiful and stylish and fit me like we belonged together. I will be sorry to see them go, but sometimes one just has to let go of the steps and dance like a wild thing.

Nearly there

Well, I got my visa. Whoop woop!

I was so incredibly stressed and nervous on the Thursday night, staying at my Great Aunt's house in Surrey, that I slept barely a wink and couldn't converse with family I haven't seen for months. I wanted to see them, but I was so overwhelmed by anxiety I could hardly speak without crying. It didn't help that work had been particularly stressful that week.

The next day I went with my parents to London. They had driven me down to Surrey straight after work the night before, as we had decided they would provide me moral support getting my visa, and then take in a bit of the big smoke in the afternoon.

Another reason I wanted them to be there was just in case something went wrong at the Consulate, I would be able to call on them to drive me to and from Manchester at the last minute to pick up some vital piece of documentation or such like. Ok, I am a paranoid wimp, but sometimes you just need your mum when you are a bit scared, don't you?

The Consulate is in Uganda House, on Trafalgar Square. You have to buzz through the Ugandan Embassy to get to the Ecuadorian Consulate on the first floor. The Consulate, or what I saw of it, consists of a couple of rooms with a small reception area. All doors are left open. I was met by the lady I have previously nagged for reassurance about the validity of my documents over the phone. I still don't know her name, but I recognised her voice. She had tight ringlets and dangly earrings. I was terrified.

There were two desks in the room, and another man who shufled in and out talking to the ringlet woman. Next to his desk was a stand with Ecuadorian mobiles dangling from it, some wrapped up and some unwrapped, like an advent calendar. I will find out if this has significance, I thought.

There was lots of asking for documents and copies, and each time I handed them over my heart sank in case they were wrong; in case my bank statements didn't show enough solvency (thank god my student debts didn't show), and there was lots of me sitting very straight trying to look both competent and innocent, and not visa-unworthy. I could feel my parents sitting on the sofa outside, and imagined them watching discreetly to see how things were going, and I just looked out of the window onto the National Gallery. What an amazing view.

I was still scared when she started stamping things. It could be a permanent denial, my peripheral paranoia told me, and my passport will be scarred forever. But then she started to stick shiny holograms to my passport, and it was nearly over. When she handed me back my documents, I felt like I had been released from custody, and couldn't feel relieved until I was completely out of the building.

Filling the days

Much as I had hoped to give as detailed a background as possile to the following six months, time has ticked much faster than I ever imagined it could.

It hasn't even been (as in the past it may have) that I have been to tired or too thinky to get something written. Although tired and thinky I am, certainly. It is that the days have been tumbling past so steadily that it has been nigh on impossible to sit down and account for the things that have happened.

There have been traumas, technicalities, house moves, resignations, and long awaited farewells that have been all the more sonorous for it. There have been tears to my mum, wellings up in the middle of work, in the middle of happy days (not the programme, though probably that as well), and panicked sniffles over the phone to diplomatic officials. It has been an ordeal, and a panic, and a massive release.

The facts that I would have liked to have given in more detail are:

- I am flying from Manchester to Ecuador on 10 March for six months, returning (probably) on 6 September.

- I will be volunteering with the Fundacion Jatun Sacha, which runs several biolgical research stations accross Ecuador. I will be doing conservation work on four of these. I hope to put a map and itinerary up here before I go, but generally it will invlve working on reforestation projects, sustainable agriculture and fairtrade projects, and possibly some teaching in the indigenous community, depending on each station.

- I have my visa apointment in London this Friday. I am very worried about what I will do if I am not granted the visa. One of the necessary documents still has not arrived.

- I have tried to learn a little Spanish with the Oxford Latin American Spanish linguaphone course. It is a great course, and I was picking things up rather quickly, but I have been incredibly busy with work and preparations, and with lots of lovely people wanting to see me before I go, and this has been one thing that has been easiest to put to one side. I can order a cheese sandwich and give directions to the Mexican history museum though - that must count for something in Quito, right?

- I leave my job on 29 Feb. I still have lots to do, and a lot that just wont be done in time. It will be bittersweet to leave.

- On the occasion of my leaving Manchester, I have been visited by the ghosts of friends and relationships past. I think I have managed it well. I have also had, after well over a year of complete (honest and intentional) celibacy, one beautiful night with somebody new. I would have liked, in a Henry Miller/ Anais Nin sort of way, for this to have become a tender, if brief, liaison, with no anguish or regret, just niceness to send me off on my way. But this is not the way things go. Real life happens unlike most books, and there just isn't enough time or energy to dwell on somthing transient, I suppose. I am glad it happened. I didn't want any more, really. I just wanted it again. It is such delicious torture to want what one knows one can not, and will never, have.

This is clearly going to be much of a note-book style blog. Nothing is in any order any longer (seems apt), and there is no natural end. We'll see how it goes. It isn't easy typing on my lap on the floor of a sitting room that was once my own domain, and is now occupied variously by parents who have moved in two nights a week and by visiting friends. I haven't slept in my own bed since last Thursday, and will not see it again until the end of the weekend. I think I might need a holiday soon...

Getting things done in time

November/ December 2007

I thought I had a lot to do, but seriously had no idea how much I hadn't taken into accont. The fact that my work situation only seems to be getting busier, both daytime and evening, and that I have decided not to discuss my trip until more arrangements are in place and my notice time is nearer, makes things all the more difficult.

Jatun Sacha confirm my volunteer dates, and I buy the flights the next day. The flights cost £895, which makes me feel a bit ill. The (really helpful) guy in STA Travel strongly suggests I purchase insurance, and I tell him that I certainly am planning to, but I might have to leave it for a week or so to allow myself to eat in the meantime.

I start selling things on ebay, spending every spare hour writing item descriptions for 99p lisings. I realise after not too long that after fees and commission I am making about 75p an hour for my efforts, and concentrate on some larger items. I worry that the only stuff that might actually make me some money if the suff that I really want to keep. I wish it was car boot sale season.

I start the visa application process, which involves a wild goose chase finding out what type of police check I need. The guidelines provided by the Ecuadorian Consulate in London say a Volunteer Visa requires an Enhanced Police Disclosure, but it turns out (and the Consulate confirm this over the phone), that a Subject Access Report (basically a simple criminal record check) will do. I download the form from the Greater Manchester Police website and walk it in to the police station in person. The application will take up to 41 days to process...

Losing the plot - the story so far (part three)

November 2007

Having sent my aplication off I review the checklist of things that need to be done before March.

I need to get flights booked, but I shouldn't really do that until my volunteer dates have been confirmed. I need insurance, of course. I will probably need a visa, and the information Jatun Sacha have sent me says that thy will help out with the visa process of anyone volunteering for over three months. I will need to write a shopping list of clothes and equipment. I need to learn Spanish. I will need to save enough money to pay for my trip, my living costs while there, and to pay off my loan and overdraft so I don't come home to a nasty shock.

I need to give up my allotment. It feels quite ironic that, as part of my preparation to learn more about agricultural techniques, and sufficiency and sustainability, I cut off my only real connection to nature. But I already feel guilty of not giving it enough attention and the future predicts that working on my plot will become more and more difficult. My parents live near my allotment, you see, and I do not. I combine a visit to dig with a visit to them. It breaks the journey and means that I do not have to carry huge sacks of potatoes on the bus. But they are moving away from the area.

There is a possibility that I may not come back to live in Manchester after Ecuador. As my sister is soon to go to Canada as part of her own career change, it means that the city will no longer hold any blood ties for me. I will have to leave my job, and my flat, and say goodbye to a life I have learnt for a long time. Perhaps this is just the time to start a whole new life somewhere else. Who knows, I cannot plan for that far ahead - I don't know what I will know and who I will be come September? In any case it would be selfish to keep the allotment and allow it to be neglected further only to give it up at a later time.

Losing the plot seems to be a general theme of my life at the moment. Hopefully, in the next few months I will have found a new one.

I am getting quite worried that I haven't heard back from my application to Jatun Sacha yet. It has been almost a month, now, and they say they have not received anything. If I reapply now, I might not even be able to book my flights until the New Year. I'm really not sure I will get things done in time - I might have to push my departure date back. But that would be a huge disapointment to me - now I have made my decision I am looking forward to going, and the though of moving on and getting out there is a relief during difficult moments.

After I email Jatun Sacha for the third time to ask whether they have received my application yet, they reply saying no, but offer for me to start my application online (minus the cheque and doctor's letter, which can be resent later) so we can get some dates set and I can book my flights. I am so unbelievably relieved that I can finally get the ball rolling with arrangements.